Fairy Tales and Special Effects

This month's "assignment" for PAIL is to talk about our plans for the future, and whether or not to continue to try and have more children, and why we choose what we choose, and all that stuff. And honestly, in my mind, thinking about TTC is like watching a My.ster.y Sci.en.ce The.at.ter 3.00.0 episode. 

The whole world of prospective parents is watching this "amazing" film. Fairy tales like being able to time your pregnancy, spacing children, and live happily ever after are flashing on the screen... and surely somewhere, someone is buying the special effects?

But not me. Not IFers.

We sit in the back of the theater making pejorative and sarcastic comments... occassionally throwing popcorn at the screen, and talking about how naive and gullible the rest of the audience is for not seeing through the special effects.... and knowing that for them, it isn't special effects and fairy tales, it's reality.

Laughing at the show, because crying sucks.

So, having said that, what do I think about the movie and how seriously am I taking it?

Well dang. I take it pretty seriously. And despite all my best efforts, I still believe it "could be true." I still want the happily ever after. I still want to think that it could be possible for me to have as many children as I desire. But alas, I've been in the theater too long and my eggs...er, popcorn... has gone stale.

So, my stats.... I have PCOS and repeated miscarriages/high risk pregnancy and Hashimoto's and who knows what else... seriously, they can't decide or figure it out. I am 36, so officially "advanced maternal age" and I have been MIRACULOUSLY blessed with 2 children already. But I hear the clock ticking.

I'm from a family with 6 kids. My mom's family had... crap I can't remember... 11? I think? Maybe 10? I guess I could try to count them, but I'd surely forget one of them anyway, so why bother. And each of her siblings had a billion kids too. So when we had family reunions, we were a crazy spectacle. Think of it... 10ish uncles/aunts with their spouse, and 10-13 kids per family, all of the older ones already married and popping out babies like they were skittles, and even some third generation babies running around. Literally hundreds of cousins. (No, there is NO polygamy. LOL.) I haven't even met all of them, and I'm certainly not close to any of them. My dad's side of the family averages 6 kids per family... which is smaller, but still not a small family.

Growing up, and in early adulthood, I had absolutely NO DOUBT that I would have as many kids as my body was willing to pop out. I was thinking in the area of 8.
Ha!
*throws popcorn at the screen*
And spacing? I figured they'd be about 2 years apart BECAUSE that would give me time to breastfeed all of them for a full year, and then immediately get pregnant again and start over.
Wait! What? My body can't make babies OR breastmilk?
Huh.

So here I am at 36, in my last few years of even being able to pretend that it could still be possible to have more children.... and what do I dream of???
Four kids.
Two more... just two more.
Maybe twins, because then it's only hoping for one more successful pregnancy and that seems more realistic than expecting to survive 2 more rounds of TTC.
And if I somehow got my 2 more kids, what then?... I'd still want more. I'm sure of it. I would continue to try and try until my ovaries dried up and my uterus fell out... just plop, right there on the floor. That would be about the only thing that would stop me from hoping.
But honestly, I think 2 more is all I can even hope for... and even that is really wishing for a lot... but it's still my "goal" or my "vision" or whatever term you want to use.

Because of all my health problems and the extremes I have taken to trying fix them... I won't be doing anymore fertility treatments. My body really does NOT handle those well, and I've spent literally thousands of dollars just trying to get my health back to where it was before starting all of that. And I can't go backward, because I have 2 amazing children who need a healthy mommy to take care of them. So if I'm going to have more children (please please please) it will be up to the old fairy tale of "you can have a baby just by having sex at the right time."
Hahaha.
I know! Can you believe that?

So right now I'm back to charting and temping... not that my chart makes ANY SENSE. Nobody can discern any type of a pattern, and almost daily my charting service changes when it thinks I ovulated. So it's pretty useless. For instance, right now I'm on CD62, and it thinks I'm 10dpo, but the ovulation date will undoubtedly change again tomorrow. BUT it does keep me from spending a gazillion dollars on HPTs. When I get pregnant, my temps normalize. They go up and stay up. So as long as my body is freaking out and weird, and my temps are all over the place... I know I'm not pregnant. I may not know when/if I ovulated, or when/if AFV is coming... but I do know not to POAS. And that saves me a little money and peace of mind.

So, making a long story even longer... Yes I am TTC. Yes, I am charting and temping... and BD often. (Yay! A silver lining!) No, I don't have the luxury of worrying about "spacing" the kids for optimal whatever. No, I don't have the luxury of waiting until I think I'm emotionally ready to face all this again. Truth is, I'm out of time. If it's going to happen at all, it needs to happen soon. And I don't have any time to waste. So I'm going through the motions (hump hump hump. LOL. did I just say that?) but my heart isn't really in it. I am TTC in denial. Meaning, I'm doing everything that I can/should be doing to TTC... but I'm ignoring the fact that I'm doing it. I'm pretending to myself that I'm not really TTC. That way I'm hoping to not go crazy. To not get hurt. So that maybe I'll just wake up one morning, POAS, and have a happy ending... and wonder how I got there.

Popcorn anyone?

The BEST Whole Chicken in a Crockpot... and Broth

Okay seriously, this is FREAKING AMAZING. I usually make whole chickens in the oven, but I saw this recipe HERE and decided to give it a try... SO GLAD I DID!!! So easy and so good!

Of course, I had to change the recipe a little, but nowhere near what I usually do.

 

So here you go:

In a large crockpot:

#1- Roughly chop 1 large white onion and place on the bottom of crockpot.

#2- Take a 3-4 pound whole chicken... remove all the yucky crap from inside (giblets, neck, liver, etc)... rinse it, pat it dry with a paper towel...

#3- Rub the seasoning mix (below) all over it... inside and out, on top of the skin and under the skin.

 

#4- Place chicken on top of the onion.

#5- Cook in slow cooker... 5 hours on high, or 8 hours on low.

#6- Eat.

 

#7- Reserve all bones, skins, etc... leave them in the crockpot until after dinner.

The spice/rub mixture is pretty straight forward... I kind of "heaped" all the measurements cause I like flavor. :)

2 tsp paprika

1 tsp salt

1 tsp onion powder

1 tsp thyme

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp majoram

1 tsp rosemary

1/2 tsp sage

1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

1/4 tsp black pepper

The ingredients are pretty flexible... whatever spices you have on hand, or that you know you like. I added a few things that I LOVE with chicken, but that she didn't have listed. But it's a good basic starting point. And SERIOUSLY, you don't need to add any liquid at all. I got nervous about 3 hours in and added some water, and I totally didn't need to!!!

I don't have any pictures of nicely sliced chicken because it can't be sliced. It just falls right off the bone. I do, however, have one picture of the left over chicken in tupperware, which I only barely remembered to take. I was too hungry to remember to take any pretty "on plate" pictures.

If you're looking for a good side dish to go with this dinner. Check out my Rosemary Roasted Root Vegetables. It's my go to... filling and yummy, and just a little different so it doesn't get boring. 

And after you're done eating your fabulous and MOIST chicken dinner... it's SUPER EASY to make THE BEST CHICKEN BROTH you've ever had. Seriously, the chicken was good, but the broth is TO DIE FOR.

So you have all the bones and skin and fat and junk in the crockpot. Now just fill it with water, and leave it cooking on "low" all night.

That's it. You can add a couple carrots or some celery if  you want. And I got too busy the next day and just left it on all day again, until I needed it to make dinner (chicken soup with the extra chicken from the day before).... just strain it through a very fine strainer to get out all the bones and crap.

 But it was AMAZING. It definitely needed some salt, but it was dark and rich and so freaking yummy.

You can't find broth like this in the store. It looks more like beef broth, and it is so amazing!

It made so much broth that I was able to make a GIANT pot of chicken soup (which is already gone, thank you) and still had almost 2 cups of broth left over, which I froze for later use. I usually get about 4 quarts of broth every time I do this, but I think that is just because of the size of my crockpot. I'm sure it varies with the size of your crockpot.

It needs some serious amounts of salt added to it, but you can just do that to taste. 

My whole chicken came in a 2-pack, and I was going to freeze the other bird... and now I can't wait to make it again... so we'll be having this dinner again this week!

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!!! :)

Sunday Edition: Faith, Hope, and Charity

I've already written a little bit about this, particularly about HOPE. Then a few weeks ago at church we had a lesson all about hope. I said a few things that were straight from that post... but I also realized a few things I hadn't ever quite figured out before. So you can read that link first, if you want, to know where I'm coming from here... or you can just plunge ahead... or even click off my blog. LOL.

It was while we were talking in church about faith and charity that I realized something new about hope. I've always known that faith means that you believe in God, and you believe He can do what He says. And charity is about having love for others. But hope is more difficult to define. I've always just thought of it as the ability to keep going, that forward thrust and soft resilience to push through difficulties.The proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." But then someone commented that real hope is based in a knowledge of who you are as a child of God, who you are in relation to God.

 "The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together." -Romans 8:16-17

And when I heard that, something clicked into place for me. Faith is toward God... belief in Him, believing Him, trusting Him. Charity is toward our "fellow men" ... loving them, helping them, forgiving them. And Hope... Hope is toward ourselves. Believing, not just that God "can" do it, but that he "will" do it... FOR YOU.  Hope is toward yourself... loving yourself, believing that your best is good enough, forgiving yourself when you fall, and holding onto the understanding that God will work miracles in YOUR behalf. That all the promises He has given, that they apply to YOU.
That YOU are precious to HIM.
Even when things are hard. Even when things go wrong. Because "we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.... What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" -Romans 8:28, 31

Faith, Hope, and Charity are commonly seen together. They strengthen and build each other, and it is difficult to have one without the other two. All three are about relationships... your relationships with God, with yourself, and with others. I think that we, or perhaps just I, tend to focus outward. Charity and Faith are focused on others, they are outward. But we also have need to clean the "inner vessel."

I guess that's how I feel about Hope. I put a much higher priority on Faith and Charity... my relationships with God and with other people... than I do on Hope. I just figure that if I do my best, then Hope will magically appear one day. But if I neglect hope, then hope will neglect me. Most of the time, my missing ingredient is Hope.

I'm still struggling a bit to "define" Hope. It is definitely about your relationship with yourself... but it is also about God's relationship with you. Perhaps Faith is how you feel about God, and Hope is how He feels about you... or how you think He feels about you???

And for me, I think that Hope centers a lot on Grace. Accepting His Grace and Mercy. Allowing Him to take my burdens. Believing in Him (faith), and doing good works (charity), and then feeling a quiet confidence that my best... while far from perfect... will be perfected in His perfection... and my best will somehow be enough. That's hope. That's grace... Believing that I, not just anyone and everyone, but I...

 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." -Philippians 4:13 

The Gift of Infertility

I've been thinking lately. Infertility and pregnancy loss are hard. So hard. But looking back, they have also been a blessing. I know that is so strange, and possibly offensive, but let me explain.

I hope I can find the right words to tell you what I'm feeling in my heart.

Infertility and loss (IF for short) are difficult in a million ways that no one would ever expect... unless they've been through it. It touches every part of your life, your soul, your identity as a woman. It puts a barrier between you and your "normal" fertile friends/family, largely because they UNKNOWINGLY say/do things that are SO hurtful, invalidating, and just plain make you feel like  you've been slapped in the face. I know that they don't mean to, I know that they are only trying to help... but the effect is still that IF is isolating.

But the thing is, I've been thinking. And IF has really and truly blessed me so much. It has made me strong. It has made me be aware of the pain that others feel. It has given me compassion on a level that I had never believed possible. I feel such a sense of connection with almost anyone who struggles with IF. I have sat in front of my computer and sobbed over a stranger's pregnancy loss, and prayed with all my might that they would *somehow* find some peace and healing. Most recently Mo and BIBC. Oh how my heart aches for you both.

But it's more than that. IF has blessed me in ways that I never thought possible. In fact, some of the things that are the MOST difficult about IF have impossibly become strengths in my life. Isn't it funny... But it's just like they say, God can turn any weakness into strength if  you let Him. And "rock bottom is the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." (JK Rowling)

One of the most PAINFUL things about IF is the perma-hope that it takes to keep going. Every month you try, and you believe, and you hope... and you hurt... and you get back up and do it again the next month. How was I "stupid" enough to believe EVERY month that THIS time was going to be different? It gets to be so painful that I used to wish that I could just stop hoping, because then I thought it might not hurt so much.

It's so hard to put into words. But I think I started to realize it while I was taking care of my dad last year... in the final days of his struggle with cancer. I knew he was going to die. I knew he was. There was no hope. Lung and liver failure coupled with esophageal cancer. It was a very dark time. And do you know what kept me going? That same blasted perma-hope that had been SO painful during IF. I knew that dad was dying. But I also knew that I could still find light at the end of the tunnel. I knew that I would always have "next month" to look forward to. Something to hope for. A goal to reach for. A constant forward thrust deep inside me that has been so strengthened by years of IF that I knew I would never be able to give up. IF has taught me how to push forward and hold my head up and to HOPE.

Hope and faith are my good friends, and they have very little to do with getting what you want. They are quiet and steady companions, constantly whispering that everything will be all right even if... especially if... things go wrong.

And the strength to carry on alone, to pursue my own path regardless of what anyone else says or feels about it. To follow my heart. There are many people who try to "help" an IFer by telling them things like "just relax and it will happen" or "maybe you should just give up now" or "why don't you try x,y,or z?" It becomes so painful. It makes you feel so alone and misunderstood. BUT it makes you strong. It makes you stand on your own feet, and follow your own heart. You can't survive for long in the world of IF when you're doing what other people expect of you. This has definitely become a strength for me, possibly a bit too strong in this area now, ha! But I'm realizing that I really need this strength right now in my life.

I'm about to start an "alternative" treatment for my "incurable" disease. It's expensive. The program is long and difficult to complete. There is no guarantee that it will work. And many, many people have tried... in every way possible... to dissuade me... to convince me that it's a huge mistake. And really, it might be... but just like my path through IF, it's a path that I have to take, and I have to do what I feel is best. It will be a long, hard, lonely road. But I hope at the end of it, it will be worth it. And I know that if I hadn't struggled for years with IF, with the lonliness and isolation that is IF, I might not have had the strength needed to push through this next path alone.

There are many other things which IF has taught me. Because it does affect every area of your life, it also teaches you something in every area of your life. I hate IF. I hate wondering if I'll have more children, or how many more miscarriages I'll have to suffer through. I hate knowing that because I STILL want more children that there WILL be more pain ahead. Immense pain. But I am coming to realize that IF isn't my enemy. God didn't send me to earth to have an easy go of it, He sent me here to learn and grow and stretch. I no longer think of IF as the enemy, but as the very strict teacher... possibly whacking your fingers with a ruler.... possibly it's Severus Snape.  I don't like the class, I'm a bit afraid of the teacher, I'd much rather be out playing on the monkey bars... but the things I learn in that classroom change my life. I wouldn't wish infertility/loss on anyone... besides, I'm sure that everyone has their very own class with Snape, and all of them suck... but I have come to realize how very grateful I am for IF and the lessons it has taught me...

and the strength it has given me.

I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't had to struggle with IF.

For that, I am grateful.

Grateful For Trials

I wanted to do a post about gratitude, since it's Thanksgiving and all, but I didn't want it to be normal post that anyone/everyone could write... I wanted something more personal/meaningful to me as an individual. So here goes...

At church a few weeks ago we had a lesson about gratitude that got most of us thinking. There are so many things to be grateful for, such as:

I am grateful for an outrageous hospital bill, because it means I have health care.

I am grateful for being so tired I can't see straight, because it means I have a BABY.

I am grateful for dirty dishes, because that means I have food to eat.

Anyway, you get the idea. It was very inspiring. I don't much talk about the happy things in my life. It's not that I'm a negative person, although it might seem that way... it's really because of a couple things combined. First, I'm superstitious (sp?). You know how some people "knock on wood?" Well, I just don't chance it at all. If I speak out loud that something is going well, it's sure to fall apart immediately. And seriously, who needs that? LOL. Might sound silly, but I honestly feel that way. And conversely, if I complain about something being bad, it's not only cathartic but it also means that it should get better... right? *Okay, I seriously need therapy.* Haha.

While those are two small reasons, I also have two big reasons. First of all, most people hold their griefs and sorrows inside and show a mask of false happiness. That usually means they are too ashamed/afraid/whatever of sharing their pain. I am just the opposite. I refuse to feel ashamed of my hardships and trials. They are something which I experience, not something that I AM. They are not part of my identity. I can stand in the rainstorm and get soaked to the bone, but I am NOT the rain itself. Eventually I will dry off and it will be just another experience that I went through. I don't let my pains define me. Also, sharing your struggles almost always opens the door for someone else to share theirs with you, someone who might have otherwise suffered in silence... and because I share my pain, they share theirs, and both of us gain support.  I consciously make an effort to be open about my trials in order to open that door to others.  BUT my joys and happiness are extremely personal to me. I hold onto them down deep in my soul, and I do not like to share them with others very much. They are too personal and sacred to me for that. Still I often wonder if all this makes me seem ungrateful. I am not. But I digress.

Back to being grateful for my trials...

I am grateful that I have trials and hardships, because they make me turn to and rely on my Savior.

I am grateful for a heavy load, because trying to lift it makes me stronger.

I am grateful for tears, because they cleanse the soul.

I am grateful for mastitis, because it means that I was able to breastfeed for a while.

I am grateful for difficulties in my marriage, because working through them makes our marriage stronger.

I am grateful for the pain of death, because it means that I have love in my life.

I am grateful for difficult experiences, because they give me empathy.

AND

I am grateful for when my trials become too much to bear, because I know that God will make all things possible and either make me stronger, lighten the load, or carry it for me.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13.  Even more profound for me on this subject is Romans, chapter 8. Go and read it, it's too long for me to type here. :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be grateful for all that you have... joys and pains, because they go hand in hand.

Beauty

I've never had much of a self image problem. I mean, I was a horrible nerd growing up, seriously a big big nerd. But I liked me. It used to be so hard for me to understand why people couldn't just accept themselves. I mean, who cares what anyone else thinks, right? Then my body had a civil war.

I know that I've talked about this a bit before, and it's not the point of the post, so basically... After a full year of being misdiagnosed, and being treated like a lazy fat cow by medical "professionals," I finally had a doctor actually listen to me... and discover my that my thyroid was killing itself. Being on medication has stabilized my weight.... But in that year of unchecked thyroid craziness, I gained a full 100 pounds. And I just can't seem to lose it. I've tried and tried. It's just not budging.

I don't know if anyone else knows what that's like exactly. Next time you go to the store, pick up 2 pair of jeans. A size 10 and a size 24. Hold them up next to each other and appreciate the difference. I was a size 10 at the beginning of the year, and a size 24 by the end. I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit and can't get out. This isn't my body, is it?

It's been about 3 years since the big fat event, and sometimes I can actually like myself when I look in the mirror. At least I can think I kind of look cute, or not so bad... as long as I'm alone... as long as no one is there to tell me otherwise. But inevitably, on those "good" days, some "helpful" well meaning person will say or do something that cuts me so deeply that I remember why I hate what's looking back at me in the mirror. I mean, why even try to look nice when the best you can look is just "good enough." I never feel pretty anymore. I never think I look nice. No matter how cute the clothes, no matter how much make up, I'm always in there looking fat and ugly. You can only do so much, and most days I just roll my eyes and say "this is just how I look now... this is as good as it gets."

I guess I'm thinking about this today because of some helpful comments from close friends and family. You know the kind. You love them and they are wonderful people, but they just don't understand. People who are disappointed in me for being pregnant because it means I can't continue to diet... and those who think that pregnancy makes no difference, I'm so fat I should diet anyway and surely the baby will have ample fat storage to live off of for 9 months. Nevermind that it would be seriously harmful for the baby, they are sure that I'm fat enough that it wouldn't matter. I have now lost a full 10 pounds to morning sickness. I guess I just expect people to feel sorry for me, or even slightly concerned, or maybe just to smile knowingly and say something encouraging or meaningless. But not to say they are "so proud" of me for being able to lose the weight, and to encourage me to "keep it up."

I get it. I'm fat. I need to lose weight. But I am more than just fat. I am loving. I am funny, or at least I think I am. I am a mother who sacrifices every day to do the best I can for my child. There is so much more to me than the fat. There is so much more to being beautiful than looking nice, or being at a certain body fat percentage, or fitting into the right clothes. When I'm around people, I hear so much negative about myself. SO MUCH. I wonder what they hope to gain by saying such things. Do they really think I don't know I'm fat? Do they really think that saying those things will HELP me lose weight? Don't you think I could at least get a break during pregnancy? I can't wait until I'm far enough along that people will think I have a pregnant belly, not just a fat one.

But when I'm alone, I hear another voice, deep inside me. It speaks of real beauty and real worth. I remember how beautiful my grandmother was, and how nice it was to get a soft hug from a pillowy person. She was beautiful, even if she was a little "soft." She was beautiful because she loved. She sacrificed and worked and loved. You felt better just being around her. It didn't matter if she had done her hair, or changed out of that ugly dressing gown, she was just beautiful. She was real. She was warm. She was soft and overweight and loving and PERFECT.

Those women in the magazine that are so "perfect" and "beautiful" seem so cold. There's no warmth coming from them. Their eyes are glassy. (I'm not saying they're bad people. I don't know them and probably some of them are beautiful inside as well, but that isn't what's being advertised.) I don't want to be like that. I want to be real and warm and soft. I want to be beautiful because of who I am and what I do, not because of how much I've starved myself or how much I've spent on my clothes.

Losing weight would be great, and I'm not saying that I won't try to be healthier. But it is not the most important thing in the world. I guess I feel like I just want to be happy and content... grateful for what I do have, not constantly berating myself for not having, or being, something different.... and I'm just wishing that other people could want that for me too... or at least shut up about what THEY want for MY life. I can accept that I'm overweight. I can be okay with it. I can like myself and move on with my life. I can do good things, and be a good person. I can love and be beautiful because of who I am. I can look in the mirror and see someone who is hugely blessed with a body that works, that walks, that thinks... that makes babies!!! I can feel beautiful because when my little boy looks at me, all he sees is someone who loves him. And that's really what beauty is all about...

LOVE.

Esophageal Cancer Recipes

So this post will be quite long, and will probably take me a few days to write all of it. The reason for that is that I'm going to write what I have to say, and then post a bunch of recipes, and it will take time to type all of them.

Basically, my dad is really struggling with his cancer treatments. He finally fessed up this week and told us that he's been eating less and less because he's hurting more and more. I guess he's getting open sores in his mouth from the chemo. And the radiation is burning the inside of his esophagous, the doctors say it's like a really bad sunburn... only inside, and through his whole body (front to back) at the point that the radiation is aimed at. So his cancer is just at the junction between the bottom of the esophagous and the top of the stomach. He still has really bad acid reflux too (which is what gave him the cancer to begin with), so his stomach acid comes up and burns that area even more. So eating is a very difficult and very painful thing right now.

The day that he admitted all of this to us (Thursday), I had already made pork chops for dinner. So I stuck his in the food processor for a good 10 seconds and ground it to a pulp. He got all teary eyed (something he NEVER does), and said "I'm sorry I'm such a burden." Talk about break your heart. So I decided that he needed some more things from us. First of all, he needed food that he could eat without having so much pain... food that has enough nutrition and calories to keep him going because he's still not eating much. Next he needs to feel in control of his life, like he's alive and a contributing member of society. Finally, he needs to be able to take care of most of his own needs, when he wants, how he wants, without having to ask someone.... so he won't feel like he's a burden. In short, we need to take better care of him without making him feel like he's "being taken care of."

So my plan was to make a bunch of meals that would be frozen, so he could have them when he wanted, that would be high in calories and nutrients, but super mild and bland, and soft and creamy. I feel somewhat blessed in this aspect because of a previous trial. It's funny how God prepares you for a challenge by giving you a challenge. My little Angel Boy couldn't swallow for the first 2 years of his life. We went through A LOT to get him swallowing. Finally surgery fixed the problem and he eats like a champ now. But I have a lot of knowledge and experience with preparing meals for people who have difficulty swallowing. So I feel blessed that I know enough to be able to help my dad when he needs it.

I've checked many many cancer recipe sites, and only found soft foods or foods that you don't have to chew as much. But nothing that was soft, mild, tasty, and healthy. So I emailed all my friends and family and begged for their best recipes, made a shopping list, and sent my mom to the store. On Saturday we all got together and had a "cooking day" where we made 8 pots of different soups and 2 loaves of banana bread. I have the ingredients still to make some egg custard, rice pudding, zucchini bread, and quiche.... but we were too tired to do all of it in one day.

After a heroic effort on everyone's part, we ended up with 100 snack size ziploc baggies full of "single serving" meals in the freezer that dad can now pick and choose and be independent with. I'm so glad that we did it, and I'm so glad that it's over. AND I'm SO glad that my sister stayed late and cleaned up my kitchen afterward!!!!! But mainly I'm glad that we all have the peace of knowing that he has food whenever he wants it. Just pull it out of the freezer, put it in a bowl, and thaw it in the microwave. I think it will help him feel less helpless and that should hopefully help him as much as the food itself will.

So the real reason I'm posting all this is that I'm hoping that it might somehow reach someone who's in a similar situation and looking for recipe ideas. I know my blog is very small, and very few people read it. I don't know enough about technology to join sites or communities. BUT I still feel like I have this information, and it was priceless to me this week, and I couldn't find it anywhere online. Someone else must be needing this also, and I'll put it out there and trust that God will help people find it who need it. So here come the recipes, if you're not interested in them, then stop reading. Haha. All the recipes are REALLY GOOD by the way. But we omitted almost all spices because of my dad's particular needs. No salt, no pepper, no garlic... you get the idea. So this is how WE altered the recipes to fit his needs. If you were to make them for someone without that need, they would taste even better if you added a little garlic, or other spices.... except maybe the banana bread, leave garlic out of that one. :)

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Basic Tips:

First of all, we got A LOT of big mixing bowls and big soup pots. Then we boiled a big pack of chicken breasts in some water while we baked a big pack of pork chops in the oven. Made 2 packs of bacon, and 1 pack of breakfast sausage. When the meat was done, and cooled, we stuck it in my food processor in batches and made all of it into a fine powdery type substance. So we had a bucket of each kind of meat that we could just add to anything, to make sure he gets some protein at every meal. We had some meat left over at the end, and just stored it for when he wants just some meat. Then I boiled a pot of chopped potatoes, because a bunch of the recipes need some and I just left those on the back burner and used them as I needed them. We had one person cooking, one person washing dishes (so we could re-use them as we went), one person chopping, and one person filling the containers. My dad can't eat very much at one sitting. So we used the snack size ziploc bags. Perfect size for him, and since we're not storing it long term, I didn't worry about it not being a "freezer bag." But it did complicate the process a little because we had to wait for each soup to cool off enough to put into those bags without melting them, which is why we used so many big pots and big mixing bowls.

So the cooking process on this is to put each ingredient into the food processor before cooking it. Except of course the meat and any liquid. But any veggies or anything, got chopped down before being cooked. One person can work the food processor and just add all the veggies for one soup into a mixing bowl and have it sitting and waiting to be cooked, so the cook just has to finish one soup, set it out to cool, get a new pot and dump the next set of veggies into it and start cooking. Assembly line is the ONLY way to go if you're going to attempt this.... Once the soup is all cooked, let it cool a little, and then put it into the upright blender in batches, pouring it into a large clean mixing bowl to cool entirely before storing in the baggies. Also, we altered all of the recipes to be HEAVY in calories. If it says to sautee the onions in 1Tbs of butter, we used a whole cube of butter. If it said to use skim milk, we used heavy cream. When you're only eating 1/4 cup of food at a meal, and only 2 or 3 meals a day, what you do eat HAS TO be rich in calories. Especially with cancer treatments, if you start losing weight, you're much more likely to die. So keep the calories UP! Also, if you're working with someone who has difficulty swallowing, obviously liquids are easier to swallow, BUT thick liquids are easier to swallow than thin liquids. For instance, pudding is MUCH MUCH easier to swallow than water is. A doctor explained why to me once, but I'd only bungle the explanation. So just trust me.

Also, Pediasure or Ensure are fabulous products for this time. Kinda nasty, but they have lots of calories and lots of nutrients. So our plan is to make lots of ice cream shakes, and fruit smoothies and to use the Ensure as the base for them, rather than milk or yogurt. And dad really likes cold cereal for breakfast, but it's too coarse right now. That's why we did the banana and zucchini breads, he crumbles them into his bowl and pours milk on them to soften further. Yummy alternative to cereal. In all of this VARIETY is the key. If he gets sick of the foods he's eating, he'll eat less and less. So we made as many different things as we could think of, labeled them, froze them in individual servings, and HOPEFULLY he won't get too sick of any of them. If he starts to, then we'll be looking for more recipes and doing this again. And I know that cold foods are generally easier for him than warm foods, and most of these are soups. BUT they are fully cooked, so he could theorhetically just thaw them out and eat them cold??? It's not perfect, but it's something. Oh and if you're going to puree a soup, be prepared that you'll need more liquid than you would when making it normally, otherwise it's just thick, lumpy, gritty, gross.

Okay, enough background and blabbing. Here are the recipes. Hope they help.

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Broccoli Cheddar Soup (we added chicken)

4 cups chicken broth, 1 family size can Cream of Chicken soup, 10 oz package of frozen broccoli, 1/2 cup butter, 1 medium onion, 1/4 cup flour, 2 cups milk (cream), 2 cups grated cheddar cheese.

Mix broth, soup, and broccoli in a large pot. Bring to a boil. Cook until tender. Reserve. In skillet, saute the (chopped) onion in the butter. Add flour to the onion butter. Cook about 1 minute. Gradually stir in milk/cream using a wire whisk. Cook, stirring constantly, until it thickens nicely, about 5 minutes. Combine it into the large pot containing broccoli mixture. Slowly add grated cheese, stirring constantly. (If you add it too fast it will clump rather than dissolve). Let it cool, and puree it in blender until smooth.

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Roasted Cauliflower Soup (we added bacon)

1 cauliflower head, 1 cube butter, 2 (150z) cans chicken broth, about 2 cups of cream.

Clean and chop cauliflower. Saute in butter until it's starting to brown, it's tender, and smells yummy. Puree in blender, in batches, with the broth. Pour into bowl. Stir in cream.

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Bacon Potato Chowder (obviously, bacon)

Peel, cube and cook a small bag of potatoes. Fry up a pack of bacon, drain and crumble (or stick in food processor). Mix it all together with 2 cups sour cream, 1 family size can of Cream of Chicken Soup, and 3 cups of milk/cream. Puree in batches.

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Carrot Soup (we added chicken)

1 onion, chopped. 1 pound of baby carrots, ground in processor. 1/4 cup italian dressing (we used olive oil). 2 (15oz) cans chicken broth. 1/4 tsp ground cumin (also curry would be SO GOOD). 1/2 cup sour cream.

Saute onion in italian dressing. Add chopped carrots and cumin/curry. Cook until carrots are tender. Add broth and sour cream. Puree in batches.

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Sausage Corn Chowder

1 package breakfast sausage, cooked and ground up in food processor. 1 onion, chopped. 4 cups cubed, cooked potatoes. 2 cups water. 1/2 tsp marjoram. 1 (15oz) can corn. 1 (15 oz) can creamed corn. 1 (12oz) can evaporated milk.

In a big pot, cook sausage and onion. Add everything else. Puree in batches.

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Creamy Chicken Vegetable Soup

1 Tbs rosemary. 1 Tbs thyme. 1 tsp cumin. 1 Tbs marjoram. 1 tsp oregano. 1 tsp paprika. 2 tsp parsley. (This is my own recipe, and usually also add 1 Tbs chili pwd and 1 tsp cayenne.)

1 onion. 4 stalks celery, chop before you put in food processor to avoid long strings. 1 zucchini. 1 red bell pepper, roasted. 3 or 4 potatoes. 3 (15oz) cans chicken broth. 1 pint heavy cream.

Cut bell pepper in half, clean out center of ribs and seeds. Score the inside of it with a fork. Place skin side up 6 inches from heating element in oven and broil on high for about 10 minutes, until most of the skin is totally black. Remove, allow to cool. Peel off as much skin as you can, and discard. Puree remaining pepper. Reserve with other veggies.

Chop (in food processor) all of the veggies, reserve in big bowl. In a large pot, heat some oil or butter and put in the spices. Cook those on medium heat for about a minute to release flavors. Add veggies, increase heat, and cook until nicely tender. Add broth and cream. Puree in batches. (Add chicken breast meat to this.)

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Vegetable Beef Soup (we used pork instead of beef)

1 onion. 4 celery stalks. 1 zucchini. 4 potatoes. 1/4 head of cabbage. 2 Tbs rosemary. 1 Tbs thyme. 2 Tbs parsley. 2 Tbs oregano. 4 (15oz) cans beef broth.

Blend all veggies in food processor and reserve in big bowl. Heat some oil/butter in a pan and cook herbs on medium heat for one minute. Increase heat, add veggies, and cook until tender. Add beef broth. Puree in batches. Add more broth if needed.

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Zucchini Bread

(Crumble in bowl and top with milk for a yummy substitute for cold cereal)

2 cups grated zucchini. 1 cup vegetable oil. 3 eggs. 1 Tbs cinnamon. 1 Tbs vanilla. 1/2 tsp allspice. 1 tsp nutmeg. 3 cups all purpose flour. 1 cup brown sugar. 1 cup normal sugar. 1 tsp salt. 1/4 tsp baking powder.

Mix it. Divide into greased bread pans. Bake at 350 for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

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Banana Bread

2 eggs. 4 Tbs butter. 1 cup sugar. 4 Tbs milk/cream. 1 Tbs vinegar. 3 mashed bananas. 1/2 cup chocolate chips. 1 tsp baking soda (dissolved in milk). 1 1/2 cup flour. Dash of salt.

Mix it. Divide into greased bread pans. Bake at 350 for 50 minutes.

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Baked Egg Custard

5 eggs. 1/2 cup sugar. 1/4 tsp salt. 3 cups milk/cream. 1 1/2 tsp vanilla.

Mix all of that together really well. Then butter some custard cups (little glass cups/bowls that are oven safe and individual serving size). This will fill up 6-8 of those cups.

Sprinkle nutmeg on each filled cup.

Place cups in cake pan. The cake pan needs to be filled with water that surrounds the custard cups, up to 1 inch below the top of custard cups. Sounds confusing, sorry, but it's easy.

Bake at 300 for one hour. Allow to cool in oven until you can handle them. Then store in the fridge until ready to eat. Need to eat them cold. Super yummy. Don't freeze well, but will stay good in fridge for a week.

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Crockpot Rice Pudding

8 cups milk. 1 cup white rice. 3 eggs (we usually do about 6 eggs to make it more rich). 1 cup sugar. Raisins if desired.

Combine milk and rice in crockpot. Depending on your crockpot, you'll probably need to cook it on low for several hours, stirring periodically (with a wire whisk) to stop the rice from clumping. Just make sure the milk doesn't ever boil, and cook it until it's thick and soft, the same consistency as tapioca pudding.

In a seperate bowl, beat eggs and sugar. Add a little bit of the hot liquid to it slowly while stirring to temper the eggs. Then pour the egg/sugar mix into the crockpot and stir. Turn off crockpot. Add raisins or other fruit if desired.

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Quiche Lorraine

2 unbaked pie crusts. 6 eggs. 2 tsp salt. 3 cups grated cheddar cheese. 1/2 tsp pepper. 2 cups milk. 1 cup sour cream. 1 pound bacon, cooked and crumbled. Dash of paprika. 1 tsp dry, ground mustard.

Flatten pie crusts to fit in a greased cake pan (9x13). Sprinkle cheese and bacon into pie crust. Beat remaining ingredients together and pour on top of cheese and bacon. Bake at 375 until firm and brown, about 45 minutes.

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I think that's it for now. My sister has a REALLY GOOD pumpkin soup recipe that we're going to make whenever she calls us with the recipe. It's super easy, so I'll post that when I get it. Anyway, hope that's helpful to someone else out there searching for answers. And if you have any ideas for more meals like this, please send them my way as we'll probably have to do another day of cooking in a few weeks to keep my dad eating new and exciting foods.