I Remember Me

It's been a rough year or so. I've almost lost myself completely. I've been told that I've "lost the sparkle" in my eye and other such things. But I *think* I'm on my way back up. I'm starting to recognize myself again. Starting to laugh again. Able to smile more again. And I've started using sarcasm again, although it's been so long since I've done it no one knows how to take it. Haha. I'm getting back to the me that I know. I won't lie, I'm not quite there yet, but there are some hopeful signs. :)

Most notably, this pregnancy. I have been terrified and tight fisted over it; just sure I would have another miscarriage if I decided to relax and enjoy it. As if somehow my suffering and worrying would *help* my pregnancy? CRAZY! In the last week or so... about the time I got all that fabric... I have been able to let go of that craziness. I am pregnant now. I think it's gonna happen. And even if it doesn't, refusing to feel my joy right now won't take away the pain of losing it later. What's the old saying? "Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles, it robs today of its joy." Or something like that. So POO ON YOU! to infertility and miscarriage! I am pregnant now, and I am going to revel in it and be ecstatic and giddy, and feel like a "normal" pregnant lady! This pregnancy is a gift from God, and I am going to enjoy every second of it.

And I'm going to opt for the repeat C-section. Two things really influenced me. First when I told my husband about it, I got all weepy and said something like "what's wrong with me? I can't get pregnant, then I can't stay pregnant, and when it's time to labor I can't get the thing out?" He said "You know, back in the day they had a name for women like you." I braced for the worst, just sure that some awful word like "sterile" was going to escape his lips. But he surprised me when he simply said "Dead." Haha. He said that I should be grateful there's modern medicine to help me get my children here... you know without me dying. Haha. Such a simple answer, but true. And the other reason is that I found out that if you opt for trying a vaginal delivery after c-section, they generally won't let you have an epidural. WHAT!!! Deciding to not have an epidural during labor is tantamount to deciding against novicaine during a root canal. Sure you "could" do it and prove you're tough, but WTH? *disclaimer, if your labor is only a couple of hours then it's probably not so bad, but my 28 hours of labor was a special kind of hell until I got that blessed blessed needle.*

Also, I've been invited to 2 seperate girls nights out this week! Honestly this past year has been a bit of a blur, so I may have been invited to others and have totally spaced them or just felt too emotionally frail to parade my crying arse through the world. But I am actually excited to go to these! It's so strange to actually WANT the company of other people. The first one is a dinner with a bunch of friends from high school. That should be a rip roaring good time of laughter and food. :) The second is a bunch of girls from church... most of whom I don't know because they are new... or at least are new in the past year and I haven't been able to get to know anyone. I guess with all the trauma, I just buckled down and did the basics to survive. I didn't have any extra energy or emotion for anyone or anything. I was vaguely aware of all these beautiful young girls moving in around me and thought it was nice in an abstract way. But I'm amazed that one of them actually thought of me to invite me. I think I've spoken to her one time.... for 2 seconds. Excited to get to know some new people and start living life again.... though I will be honest and say that it also scares the crap out of me. What if I'm not really ready, and someone asks me something about dad or the pregnancy and I start freakin crying in the middle of scrabble or something? Or what if I go and start to feel out of place with people who can laugh freely, and withdraw and don't know how to talk to "normal" people anymore? *sigh* Pushing those gnawing doubts out of my mind, I am very excited to start putting myself out there and trying again. Taking it slow, but still starting out. :)

And just a little update. Zofran FOR SURE gives me migraines. Bad migraines. I've been down all weekend with a monster migraine, and am not quite over it yet. So I'm done with that. But I think I'll try the Phenergen they gave me. It's supposed to make me tired, but that's better than puking. Although, no matter what I do, I almost always puke when I brush my teeth. It's the grossest thing ever. So bad that I've started only brushing my teeth in the morning. I know, gross. But have you ever had minty fresh puke breath? It's not much better. And I hate needing to clear my throat because puke got all caught in my vocal cords. GROSS. So I brush in the morning and then chew gum if I have to be in public. Hopefully it hides all signs of vomit and bad breath. If not, don't tell me, just don't stand so close. :)

Well, it was a long hard road, but it's over. Dad passed away last night surrounded by his family. He took his last breath at about 9:15pm on Wednesday night. Funeral set for next Wednesday.

Strange Blessings

So today I am thankful for how difficult this song is to sing. :) I'm supposed to sing at church on Sunday... and yesterday they changed the song I'm singing... and the new one is HARD!!! At least, it's hard if you only have a couple days to learn it and have up to performance standard. I'm SO struggling with this. Don't want to suck. But I am grateful that this song is so hard, because it's making me practice A LOT. Which is good because of 2 things... #1, it's very cathartic to bellow loud high notes all day, even if my dog is starting to howl along. And #2, it is an AMAZING song and just what I needed right now. Feeling like I should share the words....

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born

To eternal life.

-A Prayer By St. Francis of Assisi

Amazing because I've REALLY been struggling lately to know what to pray for. So many things, so many thoughts, so many angles. I don't want to push God for what I want, even though I want it SO much. I want to make sure that I'm praying for what He wants me to pray for. And THIS is a beautiful prayer.

BBT Charting Question

So, you know how you're supposed to take your temperature FIRST thing in the morning, BEFORE even getting out of bed?..... Do you think it still counts if you're reaching for the thermometer in the dark, and accidentally fall out of bed instead? :) Just curious.

Incidentally, today I am thankful that yesterday I didn't put my clothes away, but just decided to throw them on the floor. It made a nice pillow for me. Haha.

Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you all ate yourselves sick!

Up and Down

My journey this year is kind of like a roller coaster ride. Ups, downs, and a few jerks. :) It is strange because I used to know who I was...or where I belonged. You know... I am a woman with infertility. I am a Christian. I am a mother. I am a wife.... I am a daughter taking care of her dying father. I am a sibling trying really hard to hold the family together through all this stress. I am on Prozac. I am overwhelmed. I am wavering. I am blessed. I am given strength to overcome.....

The labels just got to be more and more specific. I love going to church, and I love my friends... but few of them struggle with infertility and so they don't understand the pain. I found some other infertiles and initially I felt SO loved and understood in the world of infertility. Then other trauma in life happened and I felt like I didn't quite "belong" there anymore. I started going to a group therapy session and felt so AMAZINGLY loved and understood for a few weeks... but then dad was told he was terminal and that just didn't fit into the "discussion" at therapy. So I found some friends who were dealing with the world of taking care of dying loved ones and I felt so understood... for a while. There are a few other things. But as each of them add up, I feel kind of like a frog in biology class. Each group can inspect a different part of myself, but no one cared to look at me as a whole person.... or perhaps I don't know how to open up all of it to everyone. But regardless of the reason... I'm feeling quite as though I just don't belong anywhere. Everyone understands a little, but no one really gets it all. And I suppose that's okay.

I'm not really sad about it, nor do I feel like an outcast. It's actually been an amazing opportunity for me to turn ONLY to the Savior, because He is the only one who actually DOES understand EVERYTHING. I mean, it would be nice to have a couple of close girlfriends who really "got it" and have a place where I could run away to when life just gets to be too much. But I always have my closet, I always have my knees. And honestly, I don't have enough energy to invest in a big intimate friendship right now anyway.

So back to the rollercoaster. I think that I shouldn't ever post in the middle of a crisis. Like last night, I was so tempted to post...because this is really the only place where I can put it all out there. But I held back, and I'm glad. I was frantic last night.. Dad couldn't stop bleeding, and his capillaries were bursting spontaneously.... his coumadin was WAY too high, and there was nothing for us to do except WAIT. Waiting is interminable. I think that the doctors for hospice could have done SOMETHING, but they didn't want to. Which is really hard for me. I KNOW that something can be done, and I hate just waiting and watching....wondering if tonight is the night that dad will actually pass into the arms of the Savior.

Well, we made it through the night. He's very tired and weak today, but stable. And the nurse is SUPPOSED to come out this morning. I'm still waiting anxiously to talk to her about it. But I am glad that I didn't get on here and vomit all my anxiety into all your lives.

And with all that going on, you would THINK that I would dream about it, right? Well, a little. I had a few dream moments about it... But mainly... I only dream about babies. How is that fair? EVERY night I dream that I'm pregnant, or that I'm giving birth, or that I'm having another miscarriage, or that my newborn baby shrivels up into a "good n plenty" and then dies.... that one was SO weird. But seriously EVERY night. So every morning I wake up a little sad and have to shake myself mentally.

My newest devious plan to get pregnant involves little children. I think that little children have more faith than any of us. Simple faith. I remember growing up ... there was an infertile woman in our neighborhood. We were asked to pray for her to be able to have children. Then we moved. I don't remember her at all, but I do remember her name. I remember praying EVERY time I prayed, pleading for her to have babies.

My mom ran into her about 10 years later and told her how all of us still prayed for her to have children. She said "Please tell them to STOP!" :) She had been blessed with many many children. I LOVE thinking about that story. I wish it were me. Could it happen? Maybe. But I am sending out a plea... if you have children.... please have them pray for me to have children. :) It could work. Seriously. :) Kids have a link to heaven that we must lose as we get older.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I LOVE my husband. Affectionately known (on this blog) as Jonny Von. Hahaha. I can't believe how quickly the years go by. But I'm glad he's by my side. We were going to go out and celebrate, but I currently have the plague. I actually lost my voice entirely this morning. Gah. If you don't know, I'm a big mouth, loud, and I sing a lot. So losing my voice is like the WORST punishment ever. :) I thought maybe he would stay home from work today... just to bask in the silence and get in the last word. :) Haha. Anyway, I think we'll have to postpone our celebration until I'm able to swallow more than just hot tea and chicken soup.

Blessed

So I'm feeling unusually blessed today. Not that things aren't still hard. But it is strange that in the middle of all of this difficulty... there is great peace. I am so grateful to know the truths of the gospel. But even more than that, there is a feeling in my home that has never been here before. I think with my dad being here during his last days on earth, and us taking care of him and helping him with his process of being "born" on the other side.... my house feels almost... holy. I feel it is a very sacred place right now. I am grateful for that Spirit in my home.

It is difficult, and at times we get very little rest. But when I leave the house to "take a break" I feel all hollow and I just want to get back home to feel that spirit again. I know that I need to take a break periodically, but I want to do it at home so that I don't lose that peace which is so prevelant here.

All of my siblings are trying to hurry and come to visit before he goes... and before he goes out of his mind. And I can't help but think that this is his final mission... to die slowly so that hearts can be softened and our family can be healed. My family needs a lot of healing. There are members who could put on quite a good episode of Jerry Springer. I am hoping and praying that this experience will be enough to help them at least appreciate one another in some small way.

Because dad is in my home, and therefore everyone will be coming and staying with me to say their goodbyes.... I feel it is my role to create a safe place. I want my home to be a sanctuary and a place of love and healing. I want to do my part in helping my dad with his last mission of healing my family. I am in a unique situation to be able to do that simply because they're all coming to my home. I think that the spirit they feel while they're here will influence them in the coming days. I want them to feel profound peace when they walk in the door. I want to facilitate healing with the feeling in my home when my family is here grieving. I'm not entirely sure how to do that, or even if I can do it. But it is my goal and my focus.

And I am SO grateful to the women in my church. If you don't know, I'm LDS/Mormon. The women in our church belong to Relief Society. It is wonderful. We all pull together and help to provide relief to anyone who needs it. I've never really been much on the receiving end before. Honestly, I feel kinda stupid about it.... but oh so grateful. A dear sweet RS President came over and she told me that no one could help with the pain or the process, "but" she said "we CAN vacuum your floor. We CAN scrub your toilet. We can bring you meals." I quickly said that I didn't need any of that. I would feel simply awful to have the women in my church, my friends, come in and clean my house and cook my meals when I am perfectly capable of doing it myself. She put her hand on mine and said very sweetly, "I'm not asking you IF we can do it... I am asking you WHEN." She had a calendar with her and said "We ARE coming once a week to clean and twice a week we WILL bring a meal. Which days do you prefer?" I sputtered something else and she said "You know how to give, but you need to learn how to receive." I just sat and cried. I hate receiving. I would much rather give. Today is the first meal that someone else will be bringing in, and I can't tell you how much I need that little bit of a break right now. It's all that's kept me going the last few days. I keep thinking, "Just a little longer and someone else will be cooking dinner."

Mom has injured her knee and is using a walker. Dad is reacting poorly to his meds and is losing some mental function already... hopefully it comes back. Plus I have one brother here now with his 2 year old. It has been a long, hard week for me... trying to take care of everyone else, all of their needs. It has been rewarding beyond measure... I'm not complaining.... I wouldn't have it any other way. Still, just knowing that someone ELSE is helping means a lot to me mentally. I still feel a bit stupid and quite guilty to allow others to do this.... but I am so grateful for it that today I could just sit down and cry about it.

I am so tired. So sore.... and SO nauseated! And what a horrible trick right now. I'm nauseated enough to think "maybe" I'm pregnant. Just like every month I fight thinking it. But I'm really really trying not to puke... it fills me with equal measures of despair and hope. I want more children SO badly. I want to believe I could be pregnant. But the long hard lessons of years of infertility treatments keep smacking "sense" back into me. I'm only 11 dpo, it's a bit early for nausea, and it's probably just my crazy hormones over reacting to all the stress. I know that's much more likely... but it isn't the answer that I want and I just can't shut down my hope. Where is the off button? But really.... maybe this time??? (*Please Please Please*)

Strange Blessings

So I've had a strange couple of days. Remember how I puked on Sunday at church? Yeah, well I guess I had a gall bladder stone the size of a marble. So I kept feeling icky, but Thursday afternoon I exploded into pain... pain that just kept on getting worse. I had a doctor's appt that evening, but decided I couldn't wait for it and just went to the ER. Good thing too because, as I said, it was a gall stone so the doc's office couldn't have done much for me... except send me to the hospital.

So even though the whole thing sucked.... and was PAINFUL.... like being in labor painful.... I feel very blessed at how it all worked out. Miraculous I would call it.

So the doc at the ER said I was okay to wait for surgery for a day or two and he spoke with a surgeon on the phone to give him a head's up. The surgeon said he probably couldn't do the surgery until next week sometime, but that he wanted to at least see me in the office "tomorrow" (Friday). So they sent me home with a surgeon's phone number, pain pills, and anti-nausea pills. Also, they told me that the pain and nausea would probably go away a little and come back, over and over until we just got the stupid gall bladder taken out all the way. So I was a little stressed to have to wait for surgery because, the pain was awful and puking is no fun. Also, next week my husband has finals.... including his final in Organic Chemistry... so his week is SHOT. And I have some really good friends coming to stay with us for most of next week. I haven't seen them in a really long time and they're coming up from many thousands of miles away. Could you imagine "It's so good to see you, but I'm off to surgery, go ahead and watch TV if you want." The miracle in all of this is how it all worked out so that I could have surgery on Friday (yesterday). It was like there were all these obstacles, seen and unseen, and God was kind enough to just move them for me. Like David said before fighting Goliath "It is not my fight but the Lord's."

So the first blessing, strange as it may sound, is that I woke up puking on Friday. If I hadn't been so violently sick, I would have definitely eaten so I could've taken my pain medication. And if you eat, you can't have surgery. So my first blessing came in the form of kneeling on the bathroom floor all morning.

Then when I called to see what time I could get an appt with the surgeon, they said "come in right now and don't eat anything." Hooray! So, next miracle is that we found the office without getting lost because it's a hard one to find. Then we were blessed to not have to wait at all to see the doctor. Literally, no waiting. The surgeon was very good, and very friendly and funny. He said that since I was still symptomatic that he felt I needed to have surgery that day, but his schedule was so full he thought it wouldn't be until the evening. So don't eat anything all day, and don't take any pain pills. Ugh.

But the next miracle is that as we were leaving his office he ran to catch us and said he had a cancellation and at the same time the surgery center had a last minute cancellation so I could go have surgery "right now." So I went up and checked in at surgery and got right in again. They even gave me some IV nausea meds, morphine for pain, and basic fluids while I was waiting. Hooray!

There were many other "little" blessings that were big to me, because they enabled my friends and family to be able to help me without having to miss their own important events that day. But possibly the best miracle of all is that my sister found a fat free chocolate cookie.... Snackwell's devils food cookies. SO YUMMY! And right after gall bladder surgery you're not supposed to eat any fat for a while. They are saving my life!

Anyway that's a long and rambling story and possibly quite boring. :) But I'm on heavy narcotic pain meds and a little out of it. So I hope it makes sense. I feel very blessed.