July 12, 2012

Fairy Tales and Special Effects

This month's "assignment" for PAIL is to talk about our plans for the future, and whether or not to continue to try and have more children, and why we choose what we choose, and all that stuff. And honestly, in my mind, thinking about TTC is like watching a My.ster.y Sci.en.ce The.at.ter 3.00.0 episode. 

The whole world of prospective parents is watching this "amazing" film. Fairy tales like being able to time your pregnancy, spacing children, and live happily ever after are flashing on the screen... and surely somewhere, someone is buying the special effects?
But not me. Not IFers.
We sit in the back of the theater making pejorative and sarcastic comments... occassionally throwing popcorn at the screen, and talking about how naive and gullible the rest of the audience is for not seeing through the special effects.... and knowing that for them, it isn't special effects and fairy tales, it's reality.
Laughing at the show, because crying sucks.

So, having said that, what do I think about the movie and how seriously am I taking it?
Well dang. I take it pretty seriously. And despite all my best efforts, I still believe it "could be true." I still want the happily ever after. I still want to think that it could be possible for me to have as many children as I desire. But alas, I've been in the theater too long and my eggs...er, popcorn... has gone stale.

So, my stats.... I have PCOS and repeated miscarriages/high risk pregnancy and Hashimoto's and who knows what else... seriously, they can't decide or figure it out. I am 36, so officially "advanced maternal age" and I have been MIRACULOUSLY blessed with 2 children already. But I hear the clock ticking.

I'm from a family with 6 kids. My mom's family had... crap I can't remember... 11? I think? Maybe 10? I guess I could try to count them, but I'd surely forget one of them anyway, so why bother. And each of her siblings had a billion kids too. So when we had family reunions, we were a crazy spectacle. Think of it... 10ish uncles/aunts with their spouse, and 10-13 kids per family, all of the older ones already married and popping out babies like they were skittles, and even some third generation babies running around. Literally hundreds of cousins. (No, there is NO polygamy. LOL.) I haven't even met all of them, and I'm certainly not close to any of them. My dad's side of the family averages 6 kids per family... which is smaller, but still not a small family.

Growing up, and in early adulthood, I had absolutely NO DOUBT that I would have as many kids as my body was willing to pop out. I was thinking in the area of 8.
*throws popcorn at the screen*
And spacing? I figured they'd be about 2 years apart BECAUSE that would give me time to breastfeed all of them for a full year, and then immediately get pregnant again and start over.
Wait! What? My body can't make babies OR breastmilk?

So here I am at 36, in my last few years of even being able to pretend that it could still be possible to have more children.... and what do I dream of???
Four kids.
Two more... just two more.
Maybe twins, because then it's only hoping for one more successful pregnancy and that seems more realistic than expecting to survive 2 more rounds of TTC.
And if I somehow got my 2 more kids, what then?... I'd still want more. I'm sure of it. I would continue to try and try until my ovaries dried up and my uterus fell out... just plop, right there on the floor. That would be about the only thing that would stop me from hoping.
But honestly, I think 2 more is all I can even hope for... and even that is really wishing for a lot... but it's still my "goal" or my "vision" or whatever term you want to use.

Because of all my health problems and the extremes I have taken to trying fix them... I won't be doing anymore fertility treatments. My body really does NOT handle those well, and I've spent literally thousands of dollars just trying to get my health back to where it was before starting all of that. And I can't go backward, because I have 2 amazing children who need a healthy mommy to take care of them. So if I'm going to have more children (please please please) it will be up to the old fairy tale of "you can have a baby just by having sex at the right time."
I know! Can you believe that?

So right now I'm back to charting and temping... not that my chart makes ANY SENSE. Nobody can discern any type of a pattern, and almost daily my charting service changes when it thinks I ovulated. So it's pretty useless. For instance, right now I'm on CD62, and it thinks I'm 10dpo, but the ovulation date will undoubtedly change again tomorrow. BUT it does keep me from spending a gazillion dollars on HPTs. When I get pregnant, my temps normalize. They go up and stay up. So as long as my body is freaking out and weird, and my temps are all over the place... I know I'm not pregnant. I may not know when/if I ovulated, or when/if AFV is coming... but I do know not to POAS. And that saves me a little money and peace of mind.

So, making a long story even longer... Yes I am TTC. Yes, I am charting and temping... and BD often. (Yay! A silver lining!) No, I don't have the luxury of worrying about "spacing" the kids for optimal whatever. No, I don't have the luxury of waiting until I think I'm emotionally ready to face all this again. Truth is, I'm out of time. If it's going to happen at all, it needs to happen soon. And I don't have any time to waste. So I'm going through the motions (hump hump hump. LOL. did I just say that?) but my heart isn't really in it. I am TTC in denial. Meaning, I'm doing everything that I can/should be doing to TTC... but I'm ignoring the fact that I'm doing it. I'm pretending to myself that I'm not really TTC. That way I'm hoping to not go crazy. To not get hurt. So that maybe I'll just wake up one morning, POAS, and have a happy ending... and wonder how I got there.

Popcorn anyone?


  1. Thanks for sharing your feelings about infertility. I love your honesty and real feelings. :)

  2. I love that you are comparing the world of IF to watching a bad movie in the back row with stale popcorn. Hilarious! I wholeheartedly agree and if that were real, I'd be sitting right next to you, sipping on my Diet Coke and whipping popcorn kernels at the screen.

    I sure hope that TTC #3 just happens without any stress or effort. Wouldn't it be great to just - magically, spontaneously - get pregnant? It could happen! I'm rooting for ya - best wishes this cycle :)

  3. Wow- you have a huge family! I can understand how frustrating it must be to see all your relatives popping out kids left and right- just adding to your struggle. I pray that you do have at least 2 more and your body is gracious to you in letting you do that.

  4. OMG - I'm currently doing the same thing. I know it's not going to happen, yet I still try. I'm ONE day late today and my mind has been running all over the place with maybe's and what if's - even as I sit here and feel the cramps setting in. What is it that makes us think we can give it a try and it MAY actually work?

    It would be nice to have the fairy tale experience with TTC though, wouldn't it? I guess that's why we keep hoping and trying. Sigh.

    Good luck :)

  5. Hoping you get your BFP soon. I am in the same boat as you. I wish we didn't think about tcc as much as we do. Spontaneously getting pregnant will never happen to us as we think about it on daily bases. Yay for a big family.

  6. I'm still laughing at your uterus falling out, plop right there on the floor....hilarious. I hope your charts miraculously normalize and you get your miracle set of twins....you've got the right attitude and those two beautiful miracles you have are proof!

  7. This is a remarkably PERFECT metaphor. *drops soda, watches it roll under the seats probably spilling one someone's purse, shrugs*

  8. Perfection! And I hear you about the 'luxury' of taking spacing into consideration. If I had a nickle for every time someone commented on how busy I must be having my babies so close together or the old chestnut "you know what causes babies, right?" I would be a very rich woman.

    We started ttc again right away after Ginny was born, took a short break for financial reasons, and then got right back at it. I didn't know how long it would take to get pregnant, and I certainly didn't know if I would get a sticky bean even if I did get pregnant right away. Whenever I hear someone make a comment like "I want them to be three years apart..." or "I want to be pregnant by the end of summer" I just laugh. Someone once told me the surest way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans...

  9. Your movie analogy is amazing. Absolutely spot on. And I'm sorry I snorted at the thought of your uterus falling out. Not your *actual* uterus, just your internet uterus. Okay... I'm not explaining this well!

    I think it sounds like you are doing all you can right now on all fronts. Going back to charting is a big step, especially when you know your charts are effed. Yours sound like mine, actually. It is great that it has afforded you that knowledge of your body, even if it is a moving target. :)

  10. I sometimes try to think like that too. Maybe if I don't think about it and just go about my business, a postitive POAS will appear. But even though we're trying/but not trying I still find myself charting for surprise pregnancy. I just can't switch the want for another baby, off. Good luck with your charting and future cycles. I'll make sure to start following your blog to see your "surprise" pregnancy!!!

  11. LOL...I loved your approach to this topic. Good luck on your TTC journey!

  12. loved reading your take on this, I can relate to so much and loved your sense of humor throughout. Hoping for you that you get that BFP! :-)