I Remember Me

It's been a rough year or so. I've almost lost myself completely. I've been told that I've "lost the sparkle" in my eye and other such things. But I *think* I'm on my way back up. I'm starting to recognize myself again. Starting to laugh again. Able to smile more again. And I've started using sarcasm again, although it's been so long since I've done it no one knows how to take it. Haha. I'm getting back to the me that I know. I won't lie, I'm not quite there yet, but there are some hopeful signs. :)

Most notably, this pregnancy. I have been terrified and tight fisted over it; just sure I would have another miscarriage if I decided to relax and enjoy it. As if somehow my suffering and worrying would *help* my pregnancy? CRAZY! In the last week or so... about the time I got all that fabric... I have been able to let go of that craziness. I am pregnant now. I think it's gonna happen. And even if it doesn't, refusing to feel my joy right now won't take away the pain of losing it later. What's the old saying? "Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles, it robs today of its joy." Or something like that. So POO ON YOU! to infertility and miscarriage! I am pregnant now, and I am going to revel in it and be ecstatic and giddy, and feel like a "normal" pregnant lady! This pregnancy is a gift from God, and I am going to enjoy every second of it.

And I'm going to opt for the repeat C-section. Two things really influenced me. First when I told my husband about it, I got all weepy and said something like "what's wrong with me? I can't get pregnant, then I can't stay pregnant, and when it's time to labor I can't get the thing out?" He said "You know, back in the day they had a name for women like you." I braced for the worst, just sure that some awful word like "sterile" was going to escape his lips. But he surprised me when he simply said "Dead." Haha. He said that I should be grateful there's modern medicine to help me get my children here... you know without me dying. Haha. Such a simple answer, but true. And the other reason is that I found out that if you opt for trying a vaginal delivery after c-section, they generally won't let you have an epidural. WHAT!!! Deciding to not have an epidural during labor is tantamount to deciding against novicaine during a root canal. Sure you "could" do it and prove you're tough, but WTH? *disclaimer, if your labor is only a couple of hours then it's probably not so bad, but my 28 hours of labor was a special kind of hell until I got that blessed blessed needle.*

Also, I've been invited to 2 seperate girls nights out this week! Honestly this past year has been a bit of a blur, so I may have been invited to others and have totally spaced them or just felt too emotionally frail to parade my crying arse through the world. But I am actually excited to go to these! It's so strange to actually WANT the company of other people. The first one is a dinner with a bunch of friends from high school. That should be a rip roaring good time of laughter and food. :) The second is a bunch of girls from church... most of whom I don't know because they are new... or at least are new in the past year and I haven't been able to get to know anyone. I guess with all the trauma, I just buckled down and did the basics to survive. I didn't have any extra energy or emotion for anyone or anything. I was vaguely aware of all these beautiful young girls moving in around me and thought it was nice in an abstract way. But I'm amazed that one of them actually thought of me to invite me. I think I've spoken to her one time.... for 2 seconds. Excited to get to know some new people and start living life again.... though I will be honest and say that it also scares the crap out of me. What if I'm not really ready, and someone asks me something about dad or the pregnancy and I start freakin crying in the middle of scrabble or something? Or what if I go and start to feel out of place with people who can laugh freely, and withdraw and don't know how to talk to "normal" people anymore? *sigh* Pushing those gnawing doubts out of my mind, I am very excited to start putting myself out there and trying again. Taking it slow, but still starting out. :)

And just a little update. Zofran FOR SURE gives me migraines. Bad migraines. I've been down all weekend with a monster migraine, and am not quite over it yet. So I'm done with that. But I think I'll try the Phenergen they gave me. It's supposed to make me tired, but that's better than puking. Although, no matter what I do, I almost always puke when I brush my teeth. It's the grossest thing ever. So bad that I've started only brushing my teeth in the morning. I know, gross. But have you ever had minty fresh puke breath? It's not much better. And I hate needing to clear my throat because puke got all caught in my vocal cords. GROSS. So I brush in the morning and then chew gum if I have to be in public. Hopefully it hides all signs of vomit and bad breath. If not, don't tell me, just don't stand so close. :)