Up and Down

My journey this year is kind of like a roller coaster ride. Ups, downs, and a few jerks. :) It is strange because I used to know who I was...or where I belonged. You know... I am a woman with infertility. I am a Christian. I am a mother. I am a wife.... I am a daughter taking care of her dying father. I am a sibling trying really hard to hold the family together through all this stress. I am on Prozac. I am overwhelmed. I am wavering. I am blessed. I am given strength to overcome.....

The labels just got to be more and more specific. I love going to church, and I love my friends... but few of them struggle with infertility and so they don't understand the pain. I found some other infertiles and initially I felt SO loved and understood in the world of infertility. Then other trauma in life happened and I felt like I didn't quite "belong" there anymore. I started going to a group therapy session and felt so AMAZINGLY loved and understood for a few weeks... but then dad was told he was terminal and that just didn't fit into the "discussion" at therapy. So I found some friends who were dealing with the world of taking care of dying loved ones and I felt so understood... for a while. There are a few other things. But as each of them add up, I feel kind of like a frog in biology class. Each group can inspect a different part of myself, but no one cared to look at me as a whole person.... or perhaps I don't know how to open up all of it to everyone. But regardless of the reason... I'm feeling quite as though I just don't belong anywhere. Everyone understands a little, but no one really gets it all. And I suppose that's okay.

I'm not really sad about it, nor do I feel like an outcast. It's actually been an amazing opportunity for me to turn ONLY to the Savior, because He is the only one who actually DOES understand EVERYTHING. I mean, it would be nice to have a couple of close girlfriends who really "got it" and have a place where I could run away to when life just gets to be too much. But I always have my closet, I always have my knees. And honestly, I don't have enough energy to invest in a big intimate friendship right now anyway.

So back to the rollercoaster. I think that I shouldn't ever post in the middle of a crisis. Like last night, I was so tempted to post...because this is really the only place where I can put it all out there. But I held back, and I'm glad. I was frantic last night.. Dad couldn't stop bleeding, and his capillaries were bursting spontaneously.... his coumadin was WAY too high, and there was nothing for us to do except WAIT. Waiting is interminable. I think that the doctors for hospice could have done SOMETHING, but they didn't want to. Which is really hard for me. I KNOW that something can be done, and I hate just waiting and watching....wondering if tonight is the night that dad will actually pass into the arms of the Savior.

Well, we made it through the night. He's very tired and weak today, but stable. And the nurse is SUPPOSED to come out this morning. I'm still waiting anxiously to talk to her about it. But I am glad that I didn't get on here and vomit all my anxiety into all your lives.

And with all that going on, you would THINK that I would dream about it, right? Well, a little. I had a few dream moments about it... But mainly... I only dream about babies. How is that fair? EVERY night I dream that I'm pregnant, or that I'm giving birth, or that I'm having another miscarriage, or that my newborn baby shrivels up into a "good n plenty" and then dies.... that one was SO weird. But seriously EVERY night. So every morning I wake up a little sad and have to shake myself mentally.

My newest devious plan to get pregnant involves little children. I think that little children have more faith than any of us. Simple faith. I remember growing up ... there was an infertile woman in our neighborhood. We were asked to pray for her to be able to have children. Then we moved. I don't remember her at all, but I do remember her name. I remember praying EVERY time I prayed, pleading for her to have babies.

My mom ran into her about 10 years later and told her how all of us still prayed for her to have children. She said "Please tell them to STOP!" :) She had been blessed with many many children. I LOVE thinking about that story. I wish it were me. Could it happen? Maybe. But I am sending out a plea... if you have children.... please have them pray for me to have children. :) It could work. Seriously. :) Kids have a link to heaven that we must lose as we get older.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I LOVE my husband. Affectionately known (on this blog) as Jonny Von. Hahaha. I can't believe how quickly the years go by. But I'm glad he's by my side. We were going to go out and celebrate, but I currently have the plague. I actually lost my voice entirely this morning. Gah. If you don't know, I'm a big mouth, loud, and I sing a lot. So losing my voice is like the WORST punishment ever. :) I thought maybe he would stay home from work today... just to bask in the silence and get in the last word. :) Haha. Anyway, I think we'll have to postpone our celebration until I'm able to swallow more than just hot tea and chicken soup.