So this post will depart a bit from my usual. Feel free to read it, or not. I'm really just documenting it because this is the closest thing I have to a journal, and I don't want to forget. Might be totally boring for anyone else. And that's okay. :)
Life has been really really difficult for the last few years. Really difficult. You all know some of it, what with miscarriage, dad's cancer and death, etc. But there are a few, very large and painful problems which I don't feel free to share with people... and especially not on the freaking internet for the whole crappin world. Haha. But I think we're all that way, right? Some things are just too private. Anyway, I am NOT saying that I haven't been blessed... because I have been blessed tremendously... more than I expected or deserved to be. But that doesn't mean that my challenges aren't still... well challenging. And things have been getting worse, or at least coming to a head. (What a mental picture, eh? I think of a giant white head getting ready to pop all over my life.) I'm trying my very best to compartmentalize my life... to be happy for the happy things, and sad for the sad things... and not to let them spill over into all aspects of my life... because then I'd have to poke out my eyes and run screaming from the room. haha. I don't know if this is the BEST way to deal with problems, but it's a good coping skill for me now and keeps me sane and strong enough to keep going. It does have a big down side of shutting me down emotionally, because I just can't stand to face all of it all the time. But I figure that one day I'll just have a large nervous breakdown to make up for it, right? ;)
Anyway, lately I have been just plain old tired and discouraged and overwhelmed. Add to that pregnancy hormones, and the bed rest... which equals solitary confinement... and it's just not good. I've been trying to understand, and I've been praying a lot. Maybe this is just what life is going to be like from now on? Maybe I should just stop wanting/expecting things to change? Is this just my life now? Doing my best to work at these challenges but it's like trying to move a mountain with one of those little plastic spoons that you get with fast food. I can keep digging and working, but it doesn't really make much difference.
Last night was a bad night. I was so discouraged and overwhelmed and just plain old tired... more than tired... I was weary... physically emotionally and spiritually... just weary. I tried to pray about it, but I couldn't manaage much more than to just say "I'm too tired to do this anymore. I'm just so tired." I didn't even ask for anything or thank for anything... I just said I was tired and got into bed, expecting things to just remain as they were/are. But God doesn't give us challenges for us to change the challenge... He gives us challenges to change OURSELVES. My challenges remain this morning, but I am a different person facing them... and I hope it lasts.
I crawled into bed last night and opened a little book by Marjorie Hinckley, who is just the sweetest, most positive and uplifting lady ever. At first the things she said made me feel even more isolated. Her cheerfulness and unquenchable postivity seemed to have no place in my dark life last night. But then she made a few points that struck me... they struck me HARD. First she reminded me that "all have not every gift given unto them" and that I needed to stop comparing myself, my strengths weaknesses and gifts, with others... even with hers, as I shamefully coveted her cheerfulness. God knows who we are and He doesn't need or want me to be anyone but who I am... the BEST me I can be, but still just me... not someone else.
Next, and more profound for me, she talked about Esther. I love Esther, but then, who doesn't? She said that in our lives and challenges, instead of saying "is this what my life is going to be?" we should instead remember Mordecai's question... "Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" ... The thought that the challenges I'm facing might be an assignment from God made me stop in my tracks.... She continues, "Perhaps what you are doing, whatever it is or however humble your offering, could be something that no one else could do." I think I read that line about 50 times, not kidding. I just cried and read it over and over. "However humble your offering" and my offering right now is very weak and humble, but it's enough. Just like bringing only a few loaves and fishes to feed a multitude, God will make my offering be enough... though my little plastic teaspoon isn't nearly enough to move this great mountain, yet God has promised that mountains WILL BE moved, so I keep digging.... IF this is an assignment from God, then a way WILL BE found to accomplish it. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." "Be not weary in well doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." And "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass."
So if this is what my assignment in life is, then I'd better get to it and stop complaining. If God is telling me to do something, then He will provide a way for me to do it, even if it's one teaspoon at a time... it will still get done. I'm not all that different this morning, but I do feel a sense of purpose again. I was going through the motions of working through things, but was too discouraged to believe that it would make any difference. Now I feel like MY efforts might be too small to notice, but they are the small and simple things, the few loaves and fishes, which are my necessary contribution, my little offering out of which God will make a mighty miracle. Some day, it will be enough.