I've been thinking a lot about infertility the last few weeks. It probably seems strange to think about it during pregnancy. I guess it's because I'll turn 35 on Saturday and that's an ominous age for fertility. I really want more children, but will be grateful for whatever the Lord sees fit to give me.
I remember when I got pregnant with our first miracle baby, S. I thought I had "beaten" infertility. I guess I thought that once my womb had opened up and successfully delivered a baby, that was the end of all my troubles. *little laugh* That was as far ahead as I could see, just up to delivery.
So now that he is a couple WEEKS shy of being 4 years old, and I am a few DAYS shy of being 35... and I am FINALLY pregnant with my second child... I am grateful and humbled and overwhelmed. But I also have no delusion that this is the end of my infertility road. I want more children, so I will continue to struggle with infertility until the Lord directs my heart in another direction... or until the doctor forcibly removes my girly parts. Haha.
I have a good friend who also struggles with IF (infertility)... actually I have several, but I'm just talking about one here.... she already has 2 children, but she worked long and hard to get them... and she desperately wants more.... and of course the road of infertility is long and hard REGARDLESS of whether or not you've had any children previously. *I realize that's almost taboo to say inside of IF culture... it seems that most IFers feel how I did when I was pregnant with my first child... once you've had a child then you're out of the club. Which I understand, because I was once there and remember how I felt and thought... but which also leaves you more alone and without a support net as you struggle on for several more years.* Anyway, I can relate so much to my friend and can see myself *back* in her shoes in just another year. I see her often and ALWAYS my heart breaks for her silent sorrows. A sorrow that I still share, even though I'm pregnant right now. Next year I'll be back to trying again, temping, 2ww-ing, hoping for the ever illusive BFP.
I have another friend who has no problems with IF. She said to me the other day, "I wish I could give you some of my fertililty." *so cute* But I know that the Lord knows just who He wants each of us to be. He tries us with those things that will stretch us *individually* in just the right way to make us into who He wants us to be. I know there are MANY valuable lessons I've learned through my IF journey. Life is never the same after IF..... IF changes you for life... but so do many other things.
Everyone has hard struggles, and that's how it's supposed to be. I'm glad that IF has changed me, otherwise the struggle would've been in vain. God INTENDED for me to be changed by IF. God knows what I need in order to grow into the ME that He desires. IF is just another form of the refiners fire. And I am eternally grateful that He gave me not only IF, and not only children, but also other women... Sisters... who also have to endure the same challenges so that we have someone to lean on who understands. And I think that's part of the lesson too. He wants us to give, to receive, and to strengthen one another. None of us can make it alone. Sisters, we need each other.
Afterall, God is not only just refining us as individuals, but as a FAMILY. He expects us to turn to one another, and to cling to one another during our refining fire... it is ONLY in that way that He will be able to forge us together... to make us ONE... to make us into His Family. The strongest marriages, the strongest friendships, the strongest families... are NOT those who have few problems ... they are the ones who have braved the heat of the fire and clung together... they are Welded together by the power of God. If I have learned anything through this last year of miscarriage, caring for a dying parent, and holding his hand as he passed into the arms of God... I have learned that we NEED eachother..... Don't be afraid to reach out..... to comfort or to BE comforted. God wants it this way.
I am grateful for each of you who has strengthened and bouyed me up on this long journey. I wish to be able to do the same for you. Know that I think of you and pray for you. Whether you are struggling with IF or not... each of us has challenges. Job stress, family illness, death, financial woes, marital problems..... they are the fire. I pray for you, and would like to give you a glass of cool water.