So I'm feeling unusually blessed today. Not that things aren't still hard. But it is strange that in the middle of all of this difficulty... there is great peace. I am so grateful to know the truths of the gospel. But even more than that, there is a feeling in my home that has never been here before. I think with my dad being here during his last days on earth, and us taking care of him and helping him with his process of being "born" on the other side.... my house feels almost... holy. I feel it is a very sacred place right now. I am grateful for that Spirit in my home.
It is difficult, and at times we get very little rest. But when I leave the house to "take a break" I feel all hollow and I just want to get back home to feel that spirit again. I know that I need to take a break periodically, but I want to do it at home so that I don't lose that peace which is so prevelant here.
All of my siblings are trying to hurry and come to visit before he goes... and before he goes out of his mind. And I can't help but think that this is his final mission... to die slowly so that hearts can be softened and our family can be healed. My family needs a lot of healing. There are members who could put on quite a good episode of Jerry Springer. I am hoping and praying that this experience will be enough to help them at least appreciate one another in some small way.
Because dad is in my home, and therefore everyone will be coming and staying with me to say their goodbyes.... I feel it is my role to create a safe place. I want my home to be a sanctuary and a place of love and healing. I want to do my part in helping my dad with his last mission of healing my family. I am in a unique situation to be able to do that simply because they're all coming to my home. I think that the spirit they feel while they're here will influence them in the coming days. I want them to feel profound peace when they walk in the door. I want to facilitate healing with the feeling in my home when my family is here grieving. I'm not entirely sure how to do that, or even if I can do it. But it is my goal and my focus.
And I am SO grateful to the women in my church. If you don't know, I'm LDS/Mormon. The women in our church belong to Relief Society. It is wonderful. We all pull together and help to provide relief to anyone who needs it. I've never really been much on the receiving end before. Honestly, I feel kinda stupid about it.... but oh so grateful. A dear sweet RS President came over and she told me that no one could help with the pain or the process, "but" she said "we CAN vacuum your floor. We CAN scrub your toilet. We can bring you meals." I quickly said that I didn't need any of that. I would feel simply awful to have the women in my church, my friends, come in and clean my house and cook my meals when I am perfectly capable of doing it myself. She put her hand on mine and said very sweetly, "I'm not asking you IF we can do it... I am asking you WHEN." She had a calendar with her and said "We ARE coming once a week to clean and twice a week we WILL bring a meal. Which days do you prefer?" I sputtered something else and she said "You know how to give, but you need to learn how to receive." I just sat and cried. I hate receiving. I would much rather give. Today is the first meal that someone else will be bringing in, and I can't tell you how much I need that little bit of a break right now. It's all that's kept me going the last few days. I keep thinking, "Just a little longer and someone else will be cooking dinner."
Mom has injured her knee and is using a walker. Dad is reacting poorly to his meds and is losing some mental function already... hopefully it comes back. Plus I have one brother here now with his 2 year old. It has been a long, hard week for me... trying to take care of everyone else, all of their needs. It has been rewarding beyond measure... I'm not complaining.... I wouldn't have it any other way. Still, just knowing that someone ELSE is helping means a lot to me mentally. I still feel a bit stupid and quite guilty to allow others to do this.... but I am so grateful for it that today I could just sit down and cry about it.
I am so tired. So sore.... and SO nauseated! And what a horrible trick right now. I'm nauseated enough to think "maybe" I'm pregnant. Just like every month I fight thinking it. But I'm really really trying not to puke... it fills me with equal measures of despair and hope. I want more children SO badly. I want to believe I could be pregnant. But the long hard lessons of years of infertility treatments keep smacking "sense" back into me. I'm only 11 dpo, it's a bit early for nausea, and it's probably just my crazy hormones over reacting to all the stress. I know that's much more likely... but it isn't the answer that I want and I just can't shut down my hope. Where is the off button? But really.... maybe this time??? (*Please Please Please*)